I’m reminded of an episode of 30 Rock where Tina Fey’s character is dating a man whose is drop-dead gorgeous. When she is out with him people fawn over him, do him favors, seat him right away in busy restaurants. He is a horrible tennis player but he is a tennis instructor with a long waiting list of women who want him as their instructor. When Tina plays tennis with him she beats him every time. In fact, destroys him. He doesn’t understand. Tina talks to her boss (played by Alec Baldwin) who says something to the effect that he is ‘living in the bubble’ because he is so good looking. He says he knows, because he too used to live in the bubble and shows a picture of himself when he was younger and yes, he too was drop-dead gorgeous. The Baldwin character tells Tina’s character that her boyfriend is so oblivious to the special treatment that he receives and he has deceived himself into thinking he is just like everybody else. When she confronts him with this reality, he can’t believe it and insists on people treating him just like everyone else (whatever that means). He ends up going back in the bubble because he cannot stand the way he is treated by people.

There tends to be an impression that 1, being white and 2, being male is ‘kind of’ like that but not really. Most of the people he was surrounded with were white and many were male, but they did not have the same privilege that he had. In his case he was also great looking and believe it or not, that has an impact. If on top of that you are tall and charismatic (which he was), you are a quintuple threat. If on top of all that, you were intelligent (which he wasn’t) you would have the whole package in terms of being shown deference in society. There are a whole hierarchy of filters that have an impact. The reality is not so much one of white privilege but rather one of white opportunity but only in a white dominated society. In some parts of Africa there can be black privilege (opportunity) with extreme bias shown against whites. Consider that there are a good number of white people who are downtrodden, stuck in the depths of systemic and situational poverty with a poor education who suffer from prejudice and discrimination as well. Their insecurity often isolates them and makes them very defensive and therefore feel threatened by people outside their so-called ‘race’. They also find resonance and security within their own socio-economic group.

I am not black. I am not a person of color. And as such, I am immensely unqualified to even discuss what it means to be black or to truly understand the insipid prejudice and treatment they receive. I can only imagine it when I hear reports from blacks and other people of color about the inequities heaped upon them. Anecdotes and accumulated data inform me. I trust in the perspective I receive. But much like those groups, I am judged and stereo-typed. We are often lumped into a group of biased and bigoted people that hold all people of color in low regard. Within our own demographic we tend to assign people to a group. Republicans are more often thought of as racially bias by Democrats, much as Republicans think all Democrats are Socialists. Personally, I am embarrassed by the actions of bigots that are white. Because they reinforce that stereotype. The same thing applies to the ‘Ugly American’ that travels overseas or anywhere for that matter, out of their country. Their attitude of arrogance and expectation that everyone speak English is not indicative of the general traveling population but the people that do act that way are easily remembered and resented. They stand out. They literally become a stereotype.

When people identify with a particular ‘race’ or any other ‘category’ they are creating a box around themselves. A box that defines them, isolates them and insulates them from the rest of the world. Much racism finds its beginnings in this self-defining box. Why the box? People want support, security and love and that is more easily found within certain easily discernible common factors. For people seeking to discriminate or even those doing so unintentionally, the box makes it easy to do so.

However, when we get to know someone, and get to know their story, then the boxes fall apart. When we know their stories, we can find empathy, sympathy and understanding which informs us of the authentic person. Without their stories we create our own stories that are based on our own history, paradigm and experiences. Ultimately, one needs to be a human, not someone of a particular ‘race’. We shouldn’t need a racial identity for us to know who we are because that is NOT who we are. I am drawn to the saying I saw on a tsukubai at Ryoanji (sub-temple of Dai-Tokuji) in Kyoto. It said, “I am and that is enough.”. I aspire to simply be a human who is being. My personal story defines me in time and space. Nothing else. Not one aspect of me. Not my culture, my family, my nationality, my ‘race’, my sex, my IQ, my career, my sexual orientation or my political affiliation. This is not to say that we should abandon any of those identities but rather realize that they comprise a part of what we are and help to define our personal stories, but that little piece of us is not who we are. I think that we have such an innate desire to be accepted and embraced that we make horrible compromises in order to become part of a group and even tolerate and at times commit horrible atrocities to be accepted in the ‘box’ with which we identify. And we confuse those things we associate with as being who we are. All enfolding LOVE does not depend on what we are, it is a field in which the ‘who’ we are is fully embraced.

The male part of me bristles when I witness the cavalier attitude that so many men have towards women. There are many men who blatantly put down women and disrespect them. I can only imagine that they are insecure or afraid of being vulnerable. In reality, it diminishes them. It does not put them in a stronger position. What intrigues me are women who feel that they should be subservient to men. Women who are afraid to play a more dominant role. Often times these women are justifying their actions and attitude by referencing the Bible. One needs to examine the writings in the Bible as being written from the perspective of people who lived in a culture where women were dominated by men and had no or little power. Of course, the Bible will reflect that point of view. It does NOT mean that it is the will of God.

One thing I have noticed is that some women react negatively when I hold a door for them. I am presuming here that they believe they are being treated as the ‘fairer’ sex. I cannot speak to other men but only for myself. When I hold the door, I am acting out of politeness. I hold the door for everyone. Women, men, handicapped, children. Everyone. I was raised to be kind to other people and to show deference and humility in all my acts. I was taught that by serving others we honor them and humble ourselves in the process. Ultimately, we serve each other with kindness and compassion. How we hold that treatment should be with gratitude and humility.